The Call of the Wild

The Call of the Wild

Wild has basically two definitions according to Google:

  1. living or growing in the natural environment, not domesticated or cultivated.
  2. uncontrolled or unrestrained, especially in the pursuit of pleasure.

blondes go camping

For a big chunk of my life my friends and family have called me “Wild”, and I always took a slight offense to that up until this point in my life. See, while this separation has brought new challenges to my forefront and can be full of some sad trying times, it’s brought me to the beautiful realization that being wild is my nature and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I lived for a long time dealing with shame about my actions, feeling guilty for doing things that made me happy when other people would judge those actions as something other than the joy they were bringing me. I felt like it wasn’t ok to be wild. That being wild was a mistake within me that I needed to somehow tame. And try to tame myself I did. I got married, “settled-down”, had babies, all in efforts to become what other people around me were telling me I was supposed to be. To live a life that would be accepted by everyone else instead of judged. The day I realized my marriage was really truly over and no matter how much tame living I did there was no fixing it, I let all those flying fucks right out the window.

being wild camping canoeing florida state parks

I’m the kind of person in a relationship where I’ll literally give up who I am as a person in order to fulfill the wants/needs/desires of my partner. This is what I thought love was like, but at the end of all my relationships I’ve been left a shell of a person. Realizing, no wonder he left me I’m boring as shit and my life basically revolved around him. Ew, I know. Learn with me from my mistakes tho… When my marriage ended I made it a point to start to learn about myself more. See, I was at this point of being able to live the life I wanted to, but was unsure of what kind of life that was. Slowly but surely I found myself slipping back into my wild ways, but there was a new sense of power with them this time. I’ve discovered that if I could describe myself with one single word I would use the word Wild to do so. No regrets or shame surrounding it this time either.

 

You know that famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Well that’s where I’m at right now. For so long I allowed others to make me feel ashamed for doing things that brought me joy. I allowed the judgement of others to rob the happiness from the fun I was having. This Summer I stopped giving other people my consent. I decided to be who I want to be and live the way I want to live. As long as no one is getting hurt what business is it of ANYONE’S what or who I’m doing with my life? My children are loved, well taken care of and living beyond blessed lives. On my days without the kids I literally do WHATEVER  THE FUCK I WANT. & it’s magical I swear. I’m proud to be wild.

In late August one weekend without the kids I woke up on Saturday morning and just decided to go camping. Out of no where. One of my best friends agreed to go with me and we just spent the weekend in the forest making s’mores and vibing out on music. We went canoeing in Springs, walked nature trails and built our own fire. It was badass and I felt a sense of calm in the wilderness that I’d never known before. I wasn’t afraid of the huge spiders because I felt in my natural habitat. Like where has camping been all my life?

Since then I’ve spent more time outside the past few months than I think I have my entire life combined up until this point. I feel a real connection to being outside. I feel free & connected to all the right things. While I love my online community I also adore being away from cell service, where no one can reach me and where I can’t cyber stalk any of my ex’s because I’m alone. Being able to disconnect from my phone has proved to be such an incredible experience for me. I like to find state parks in driving distance after work to go on hikes after a long day cooped up in the office, I like swimming in water so clear I can see the fishies around me, and I love going down a trail- not knowing where it will end just trusting that I’ll get to where I’m supposed to be at some point.

I recently went on my second adult camping trip with my brother a couple weekends ago and Ocala is AMAZING this time of year. I can’t wait to get back up there soon! The whole point of this post is: it’s okay to be wild. Even if we’re just coming from a lush standpoint, it’s okay to make the things that are pleasurable to you a top priority for you. And pleasure isn’t just found in sex, drugs, booze, and partying. I find pleasure in cooking a meal for myself from scratch, even if I’m the only one eating it. I find pleasure in dancing half naked in my kitchen to Taylor Swift on full-blast and not having to listen to someone bitch about it not being “real music”. I adore being able to finish a bottle of champagne in an hour if I want to just as much as I love being able to pack up a tent and a pillow and sleep outside for the night with only water and a cliff bar to sustain me.  I don’t understand where or when being wild became a negative thing to be, but IDGAF about how anyone feels about my wildness anymore. I’m forever trying to surround myself with natural elements, be unrestricted with the actions that bring me happiness, and live my life to the fullest, however wild that might be.

If you’re interested in going camping I added a few of my favorite inexpensive camping essentials, I definitely recommend trying it out. It was a ton of fun and if I can keep myself alive in the middle of nowhere anyone can.

Shop Camping Essentials 

 

 

 

The End is Only the Beginning- About the Separation

The End is Only the Beginning- About the Separation

The separation :

As a blogger, for me, you often go back and forth between how much REALness you wanna be real about…

And because I have no filter it can sometimes become a very thin line… but I do like to keep somethings to me.

For starters I like to keep my kids off IG. You’ll see me post pics and stories  here and there of them, and it’s not some kind of “I wanna keep my kids off social media thing” it’s just because for me, my IG is a creative outlet and I feel like it gives me an identity other than “mother”.

Secondly, my personal relationships, it’s not hard for me to share stories or posts of my friends bc 90% of them are bloggers. But when it comes to romantic relationships it’s a gray area for me.

My marriage ended this past May, for those of you who know my life or have been following me for a while, I’m sure you noticed when I stopped wearing my rings because they were pretty noticeable.

I want you to know I’m not writing this post to appease anyone, I’m writing this one for me. Sometimes, it’s easier for me as a person to compartmentalize by writing, so here we go.

James and I are really good friends and that’s all we’re ever going to be. I move into a new apartment on my own this weekend and while I’m very nervous and sad about the things I’m leaving behind, I’m also really excited to have this independence that I’ve grown to yearn for. This Summer I felt more free than I have in quite sometime. I traveled, I spent a lot of time with my friends, and I had SO much fun.

I’ve gotten a bunch of questions regarding the separation and I wanted to take a moment to answer them.

Q: I think some days I confuse friendship with love. Would you say you experienced this too?

A: 100%. At one point I basically just felt we were in a glorified roommate situation. I’d bitch when he didn’t pick up after himself, and we’d watch Netflix together a lot. We’re great friends and there’s a deep love in my heart that I do have for my friends, but as far as romantic, intimate love, it’s not something that was in my marriage for a long time. We just didn’t have that chemistry anymore.

Q: How are the kids handling it?

A: To be honest, I’m not sure that they grasp that we aren’t together anymore quite yet. Being that we have still been living together this Summer, and I’m just now moving this weekend, not much has changed in their day to day lives. Cash notices that I am working now, and if I spend the night out he’ll ask the next day “Mommy where did you go?”, but there’s not much of a change for them yet. We’ve kept things as normal as possible for the boys and now I think both James and I are better parents because we maximize our “days” with the kids by making memories with them instead of just watching movies after dinner.

Q: Do you feel guilty? 

A: Not one bit. I experienced some self-induced “mom shame” at one point because I have been going out and really living my best life, which is something I wasn’t doing before, but then I reminded myself that there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty for being happy. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t actively show my children that there IS more to life than getting married and having babies? I’m a lead by example kind of person, and I fully believe that it’s crucial for my children to see me happy. I don’t have guilt about walking away from my marriage either because this separation wasn’t a one-sided thing. I’m not the only one who saw this coming, I’m not the only one who wanted out. Our split was mutual and so there’s absolutely no guilt in that sense either.

Q: Did you try couples counseling?

A: No. Why pay someone hundreds of dollars to tell us what we already knew? Honestly we had both hit a point where we knew we COULD try harder, but neither of us wanted to make those kinds of efforts to save a sinking ship.

In these past few months I have spent SO much time with my friends and family. If you’re going through anything similar my biggest piece of advice would be to utilize your community. I’m such a lucky girl because my friends are legitimately the best. They’ve held me when I needed to cry, they’ve got me good and liquored up when I didn’t want to think about it, and now this weekend they’ve agreed to camp in my new empty apartment with me. We all need friends, allow them to help you heal and you’ll be blessed.

I recently started writing more, a book about all the lovers I’ve known and how those relationships had an impact on who I am as a person today. I’ve also started learning Portuguese, writing poetry, and spending a lot of time in nature. I spent a lot of my life trying to attain the things that society made me feel I needed as a woman. A house, a car, a husband, children etc… I never stopped to look in the mirror and see who I was, or what I really wanted. I’m so grateful to have experienced all the wonder that marriage and motherhood has given me. I’m also grateful that I now get to move forward as a mature woman, with new goals, new challenges to conquer, and the ability to discover who I truly am.