The separation :
As a blogger, for me, you often go back and forth between how much REALness you wanna be real about…
And because I have no filter it can sometimes become a very thin line… but I do like to keep somethings to me.
For starters I like to keep my kids off IG. You’ll see me post pics and stories here and there of them, and it’s not some kind of “I wanna keep my kids off social media thing” it’s just because for me, my IG is a creative outlet and I feel like it gives me an identity other than “mother”.
Secondly, my personal relationships, it’s not hard for me to share stories or posts of my friends bc 90% of them are bloggers. But when it comes to romantic relationships it’s a gray area for me.
My marriage ended this past May, for those of you who know my life or have been following me for a while, I’m sure you noticed when I stopped wearing my rings because they were pretty noticeable.
I want you to know I’m not writing this post to appease anyone, I’m writing this one for me. Sometimes, it’s easier for me as a person to compartmentalize by writing, so here we go.
James and I are really good friends and that’s all we’re ever going to be. I move into a new apartment on my own this weekend and while I’m very nervous and sad about the things I’m leaving behind, I’m also really excited to have this independence that I’ve grown to yearn for. This Summer I felt more free than I have in quite sometime. I traveled, I spent a lot of time with my friends, and I had SO much fun.
I’ve gotten a bunch of questions regarding the separation and I wanted to take a moment to answer them.
Q: I think some days I confuse friendship with love. Would you say you experienced this too?
A: 100%. At one point I basically just felt we were in a glorified roommate situation. I’d bitch when he didn’t pick up after himself, and we’d watch Netflix together a lot. We’re great friends and there’s a deep love in my heart that I do have for my friends, but as far as romantic, intimate love, it’s not something that was in my marriage for a long time. We just didn’t have that chemistry anymore.
Q: How are the kids handling it?
A: To be honest, I’m not sure that they grasp that we aren’t together anymore quite yet. Being that we have still been living together this Summer, and I’m just now moving this weekend, not much has changed in their day to day lives. Cash notices that I am working now, and if I spend the night out he’ll ask the next day “Mommy where did you go?”, but there’s not much of a change for them yet. We’ve kept things as normal as possible for the boys and now I think both James and I are better parents because we maximize our “days” with the kids by making memories with them instead of just watching movies after dinner.
Q: Do you feel guilty?
A: Not one bit. I experienced some self-induced “mom shame” at one point because I have been going out and really living my best life, which is something I wasn’t doing before, but then I reminded myself that there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty for being happy. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t actively show my children that there IS more to life than getting married and having babies? I’m a lead by example kind of person, and I fully believe that it’s crucial for my children to see me happy. I don’t have guilt about walking away from my marriage either because this separation wasn’t a one-sided thing. I’m not the only one who saw this coming, I’m not the only one who wanted out. Our split was mutual and so there’s absolutely no guilt in that sense either.
Q: Did you try couples counseling?
A: No. Why pay someone hundreds of dollars to tell us what we already knew? Honestly we had both hit a point where we knew we COULD try harder, but neither of us wanted to make those kinds of efforts to save a sinking ship.
In these past few months I have spent SO much time with my friends and family. If you’re going through anything similar my biggest piece of advice would be to utilize your community. I’m such a lucky girl because my friends are legitimately the best. They’ve held me when I needed to cry, they’ve got me good and liquored up when I didn’t want to think about it, and now this weekend they’ve agreed to camp in my new empty apartment with me. We all need friends, allow them to help you heal and you’ll be blessed.
I recently started writing more, a book about all the lovers I’ve known and how those relationships had an impact on who I am as a person today. I’ve also started learning Portuguese, writing poetry, and spending a lot of time in nature. I spent a lot of my life trying to attain the things that society made me feel I needed as a woman. A house, a car, a husband, children etc… I never stopped to look in the mirror and see who I was, or what I really wanted. I’m so grateful to have experienced all the wonder that marriage and motherhood has given me. I’m also grateful that I now get to move forward as a mature woman, with new goals, new challenges to conquer, and the ability to discover who I truly am.